Thoughts

Life as an onion

Ok, so most of my “Oh so profound” thoughts happen as soon as I get in bed. You know that place, just before you fall asleep, but you arent fully awake either? Yea, that’s where my “Deep” thoughts usually happen at, the only problem is they don’t make much sense the next morning.

Last night, after I got into bed, settled in, and my cat had just found her rightful spot, the thought hit me…and after I argued with myself for a while, I decided I should get up and write the thought down so as not to loose it. So I did, write it down, but didn’t forget it either.

Onion.

I wrote.

I know, I know. ONION. At 11pm. Profound, really. But I continued on with the few scribbles…

Life is an onion.

God sees through the layers.

Into whats important.

Maybe some of my layers arent part of Gods will. Maybe the layers that I have built, the layers of pride, guilt, useless knowledge, and selfishness arent part of who God wants me to be.  Maybe these layers, that I have wrapped myself up in, the layers that make ME comfortable, the layers that make me think I am something, the layers I say I have for protection…arent part of who I am.

Just the other day I wrote this:

Nothing is important, nothing matters. The only “Thing” that matters and is of any importance is God. You would think that by now, I would have this figured out. But no. It seems that I am on a constantly learning curve, learning something, only to have to relearn it a few days, weeks, years down the road. When will I finally have it figured out? Hopefully never. Seriously, you know how boring things would be if I “Knew” everything. Of course, I am not a fan of those who know everything, so it is really no surprise that I don’t consider myself a “Know it all.”

And in some small way, I think it connects.

It also connects with this thought: who am I, and does it really matter what other people think I am?

What layers do I need, what layers do I need to dispose of, and more importantly, what are the layers that God wants me to have?

Its something I have been thinking of lately, although, I must admit in a much different context. Instead of wondering what God wants with me, what God wants to use me for, and what God might have planned for my life, I have been thinking rather, what do I want, what do I want to use MY life for (because we all know, my life is MY life) and what might I have planned for MY future?

Its gradual, of course, getting to this point. Gradual mind set changing from where it should be, to where I want it. Instead of consulting God on what HE wants for my life, what He has planned, what His will is, I have been counseling Him, more. “You know, things would be better if this was just different” “You know, this is really difficult” “You know my life sometimes sucks?” and once again I am reminded that life? This life that I am living? These layers Im building, and peeling…are not mine.

Rather, I am here for His use, for His glory. I live for Him, my life is for Him. So why am I so concerned when something doesn’t go MY way? So often, I find myself discouraged by earthly problems, upset by a person who maybe “treated” me wrong. And lately, I find myself acting like that spoiled brat, kicking and screaming because “I didn’t want THAT.”

What layers have been put on by me, what layers have been handcrafted out of my own selfish will? And why is it harder to replace selfishness with selflessness? Why is it hard to replace doubt with trust? Why is it hard to replace fear with faith? And when, when will I learn…that my life is NOT mine, but rather His. It seems I remind myself of this weekly, but maybe, just maybe I need to try daily. Minute by minute reminders that this is not my life. It is not about my pleasure, nor my desires, but rather about God, and what He desires, and His glory.

I think that the sooner I realize that, the more I remember that, the faster these layers are going to be peeled, and instead of appearing to be what I think people want to see me as, maybe I will be who I am, who God sees…maybe just maybe, after I peel all my layers off, I will be who I am. Which isn’t pretty, but rather a selfish, self-centered, sinner…who really doesn’t even deserve any of what I have been given, good or bad.

I dont know about you, but Im ready to be peeled. 

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