England - 2010, Thoughts

On getting older

In less than a week, I will be 20. For the past amount of time, its been a running joke that I will be entering the “Old” group. Officially leaving behind my teenaged years, and entering the real world of “Old people.” Sigh.

I feel old. FEEL. OLD. I remember turning 10. Surely that is a sign of how old I really am. Remembering the good old days, back when. Leaving behind the single digits, going for the doubles, where I will most likely remain the rest of my life. Again, I feel old.

Amanda and David, complain of the aches and pains of being the ripe old age of 21, almost 22. And here I go, entering the world of the 20’s. What most would consider to be the prime of life…and I have to wonder, if this is prime, then do I only have 20 years left? That would really mean I am old…

Somewhere between 19 and 20, is that invisible line that thrust you from childhood, into almost on your death bed.   Or so Im told, I guess we will see Wednesday.

But all (serious) bluff aside…

I will be 20 in a few short days.

Does this really mean anything? Probably not.

Nothing other than I will be spending my 20th birthday (hopefully) on an airplane to France.

It means that in the past 20 years, so many things have changed, but nothing much has changed.

I realized a few (months??) ago, that the bed Im sleeping in at home, is just a shortened version of the same bed I was sleeping in when I was 10.

Except that when I was 10…the biggest problem I had was wondering when my friends were coming to play.

My cat is still the same cat he was 10 years ago, although he too, will be 10 years older.

A decade. Two. Actually, but the first one doesnt really count, I dont remember being born.

Every birthday, I wonder…”I have been here for ___ many years, what have I done for God?”

And every birthday, I make the pledge to live my life fully for Him, because there isnt anything else I can do…and that lasts all of about 3 days, and I go back to my whiny days.

The impractical, impatient, selfish self, wants everything to go my way, all the time, every time, and when it doesnt, then I get mad. Or pouty. Or something. Instead of yielding my life to God, realizing that He has a plan, that doesnt always go along side mine. You would think that after 20 years, I would have this figured out…but I dont.

…and while I think and FEEL old…and sometimes like to think Im older (read: wiser) than I am….

I still have a lot of growing up left to do.

I just hope that today, I can surrender my life back to the one who created it, for His purpose, for His use. For Him. Not for me and my selfish wants.

But I tend to forget things sometimes, it comes with the territory being old, you know?

What was I saying again?

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