Humor Section

So, This Happened

 

So yesterday. I got off work early, and headed to the gym. No big deal.

Just a casual run to get back into the swing of things.

The only problem was I couldn’t find my regular headphones, so I was forced to use a pair that kept falling out, but again -no big deal, right? We will make it work.

The other problem happened to be that I have the wrong case f or my phone. Remember when my phone took an unexpected vacation just, well, a month ago? Well, apparently -Samsung decided to upgrade the type of phone I have and while it fit in the case? The holes were in the wrong place. In order to use said headphones, I had to take the case off. But hey -no big deal, right?

So there we were, running it out on the treadmill, with my naked phone and crummy headphones. I had a good pace going, was feeling good and nearing the one mile mark when it all came crashing down. Quite literally.

In one swift move -my headphones popped out, I reached to put them back in and yanked my phone off its ledge…

I’m sure you can all see where I am heading with this one.

What followed was a loud crash, crack and thud.

I hit the emergency stop button (which, btw, doesn’t stop suddenly) and watched as my phone was sucked under the belt. Another crunch and it was gone. I jumped off and attempted to play it off as casual as I could, because of course it was busy in there, but hey -no big deal, don’t you lose your phone under the treadmill daily, too?

Except I couldn’t find it. My phone was simply gone.

What followed was perhaps the most embarrassing ten minutes of my life as I called in maintenance and stood by as they took the poor treadmill apart to rescue my phone.

It took longer than they were expecting so took my number (ironic, that my phone was under the treadmill -but hey, they’d call when they got it out!) and an hour later I retrieved this fine piece of work.

I call it the post-workout look (which, btw, is not a look I recommend!):

IMG_20171128_151528_161.jpg

It sort of looks like the new curved phone, doesn’t it?

Also? I really like the note: Treadmill phone.

I then made the walk of shame into the cell phone store to purchase what is hopefully, the last phone I will have to purchase. Three for three, right?

The cellphone guy found it equally hilarious when I asked if they offered insurance for things like this: Ha! We do, but it wouldn’t cover that!

So there you have it.

*No treadmills were hurt in this testing of this phone.

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Humor Section, Life

Spider – 1 Me – 0

I have a confession to make, although it’s not so much a confession as it is a statement: I hate spiders.

Awhile ago I tried to understand just what it was about them that made me hate them so much -going with the theory that if I understood them more, perhaps I wouldn’t hate them. I couldn’t do it. Everything about them -everything that they are, all their legs, eyes, walking style -it creeps me out.

The fact that they hide out in weird places -such as the bathroom, or shower -does nothing to improve my opinion of them. Spiders are creepy.

I have tried staring at them, learning about them, looking at pictures of them -and it all ends the same way -with me wigging out.

I also happen to have a theory that if I find a spider inside and kill him -his family will see me killing him and come for me in the night. As a result, I have found myself transporting many-a-spider outside, alive and well.

This all came to an end yesterday morning.

I was laying in bed, minding my own business -sleeping, when I felt something drop into my ear. I brushed it off, assuming it was just my hair…until…

I heard noises and felt something moving around INSIDE my ear.

Yep. Something had dropped into my ear canal and was now attempting to kill me from inside. Or get out. Or something. It didn’t matter. Because one cannot simply swat it away as I quickly realized. I ran around screaming slapping the side of my head to no avail. The scratching (which was VERY loud, seeing how it was in my ear) and flapping was more than enough to panic me. I remained calm by telling myself it was just a fly -and somehow, managed to flip it out with my finger. Which is when I saw this:

It was a spider. It might not look like much -but he was IN MY EAR. I don’t like spiders looking at me from a distance -this one crossed the line.

A spider. In my ear. Dropping in my ear while I was in bed.

I no longer care where they hail from or what they save the world from. Needless to say while he was alive when he came out of my ear (GAH!) he didn’t survive long…and any family members that attempt to take revenge will be in the same situations.

In the meantime, I have my peppermint oil diffuser going full time. I’ve sprinkled the surrounding areas of my bed with peppermint oil and even considered wearing ear muffs to bed with a bug net over my face.

 

England - 2015, Humor Section, My sister

Rockin’ the Mustache

Sometimes,  you step into a random photo booth armed with a paper mustache and an empty popcorn container.  You don the popcorn container as a hat, put your ‘stache on and smile -you give it all you’ve got…and then you laugh for days to come.

Mustache

Upper left: The teeth.  Oh.  The teeth.  I will laugh for years to come. 

Upper right: That horrible moment when your popcorn hat falls off minutes before the camera snaps the picture.

Lower left: We got this.  We can behave.  Mustaches and all!

Lower right: …and then your sister’s popcorn hat falls off moments before the camera takes the picture, but she is more graceful and managed to prop it up while you dissolve into a pile of laughter because her hat fell off just like yours did.  

I think we rock the mustache!  The paper one, that is.

Humor Section

Shopping Wars: 2014 Edition

Anyone who has been reading here for any length on time, knows that I have a serious aversion to shopping. I dislike going into overly crowded stores, finding things, and paying money. None of it appeals to me. Christmas shopping only multiplies my strong dislike for shopping. Not only does it involved going into overly crowded stores, and paying way too much money – there is the slight problem that comes with trying to find something that the person in question is going to like.

When Amanda was here – shopping was fun, I would follow around in amazement as she tossed things in at random, never getting frustrated with the crowds, and never paying over the certain number she had set in her head. As a bonus, the person on the receiving end always loved her gifts. It was a win win situation. Something that I could never, and can never – recreate. My shopping episodes are limited to buying the wrong items, spending too much money, and running out of the stores because they were too crowded.

If I have a list, I do ok. So long as the store isn’t too crowded, and the items on my list are in stock. If not, it’s the perfect storm.

A recent shopping trip in London.
A recent shopping trip in London.

Lets take a step back and take a look at LAST years shopping excitement:

2013:

“This year, my Christmas spirit was HIGH. Like full tilt over the moon BUY ALL THE THINGS! Kind of high. I took advantage of it, and did some late night browsing. I ordered a few gifts, and made a list.

And then my Christmas spirit took a dive. But that was ok! Because my shopping was done. I could relax.

And then last night, as I was looking through my online purchases, I noticed something. The things I bought? Were NOT the things I thought I had bought. In fact, I really have NO idea what was going through my head at the time of purchase – because I thought I was being savvy.

And then…the mail started trickling in. Ever so slowly.

I was excited.

I ripped open the package.

And stared into the face of what was supposed to be a pajama set but instead was an…

“Oil green panel”

Now I knew that things weren’t what I thought I had bought but how does one go from pjs to a curtain panel? Closer inspection showed that what I ordered – was not sent. In its place – was a single curtain. A CURTAIN! Now I don’t know about you – but I don’t know how I was supposed to GIFT a CURTAIN! ONE panel, mind you. The product I had ordered? No longer in stock. I guess this was the closest substitute they had.”

DSC_0381

And now, for the 2014 edition of shopping vs. me.

This year, Amanda did her best to get me excited for Christmas. She almost persuaded me to turn on the Christmas music before Thanksgiving (a yearly argument we have!) but I stood strong, and just as we finished up the day, I turned on the Christmas tunes. I will even admit – I made a purchase before Thanksgiving was even over. In the days following, I had completed a majority of my shopping (yay for online shopping!) and was feeling pretty proud of myself for having all my gifts planned, sorted, and bought before November was over.

For the first time in years, I didn’t have to pay express shipping for an item I would just return. I was looking forward to doing away with the traditional “Chasing down of the UPS man to see if there is a package for me!” And was really feeling proud of myself. Probably too proud. Because none of my packages are expected to arrive before Christmas

Last night I looked up an item that was scheduled to be here in 3-5 business days. It has been two weeks. There was no tracking information. The company told me to call the post office. The post office told me (and I quote) “Call UPS or FedEx.” Confused I asked why. Which is when they informed me that they had no information – so it must be another shipping company’s fault.

Frustrated, I called the original company again – who then told me they were sorry and would redo my order. Except. ½ the items I ordered? Were no longer in stock. The promo code I used was invalid, and there was no way to guarantee that these things would arrive in time for Christmas.

Another item I had ordered has been stuck in Washington for two weeks with no hope of it arriving when promised. In fact, the scheduled delivery date has changed two times since I purchased it.

And finally, my personal favorite – an item that appears to be lost. Traveling from Washington, to Ontario Canada, to California, to BC Canada, before arriving in Florida where it currently awaits its next big adventure.

ShoppingHappy
Yoshi is happy she doesn’t have to go shopping

Shopping: 3 Me: 0

Humor Section, Life

Christmas Time is Coming…

Christmas and I have never gotten along.  I have countless posts on how my best plans have been thwarted by the hustle and bustle about.  Don’t get me wrong.  I love Christmas time.  I love the smells.  I love the cookies.  I love the plays, the singing, and most times, the people.  I really love the reason behind Christmas.  I love giving gifts to people, and getting that reaction you hoped for.  I love all of it.  I love wrapping it all up in a neat package and putting a bow on it….but rarely, or ever, I should say – has that happened.

You see, a long time ago – I agreed to disagree with the perfect Christmas.  You know: The one with a nice layer of snow, matching outfits, sipping coco by the tree, with smells of cinnamon.  Yea.  Not that I ever wanted that picture perfect Christmas, its just that me and shopping have never gotten along that well.  I always (ALWAYS!) have some sort of a mishap with a gift.  Last year I got an olive green curtain panel to gift someone.  I mean, I didn’t ORDER that, it just came.  As a replacement.  For the item I had ordered.  Which was not window related.  Or olive green.  You can read that story here: And They Call This Fun!?

Another year I searched high and low for the perfect coffee cup for my sister.  I finally found one I liked, forked out the extra money, and waited.  Two weeks later it showed up.  It wasn’t a coffee mug.  But rather a giant bowl.  With a handle.

I could go on and on about my mishaps.  But lets just say I try, but it rarely works out.

Since shopping and I don’t get along – I rarely get the gifts I was looking to give, and rarely get the reaction I was looking for.  I mean, what can I expect really – gifting curtain panels, and giant bowls, after all.

This year, the bug has bitten me early.  I tried, desperately to ward it off.  I ignored.  I looked the other way.  I all but closed my mind to the idea.  But the harder I tried, the more it pushed.  And before I knew it I was off riding the wagon down Christmas alley.  I tried to hang on for thanksgiving.  I really did.  I don’t listen to Christmas songs until the day after.  Don’t decorate until the day after.  Don’t give it ANY THOUGHT until the day before.

But this year?  Oh this year.

This year I have ALL THE PLANS to do ALL THE THINGS.

I have already ordered our Christmas card.  I have already scoured Pinterest, and pinned all the things.  I have ideas that are bursting with glitter and bows and ribbon – and quite frankly, I’m worried.

You see, last year I tried to do much of the same things.  I had a few simple ideas, that I thought I could make work.  Anyone remember what happened?  Lets recap:

Aside from the curtain panel, we had this gem:

santamix8You can read more on that disaster here: An Epic Fail (and other short stories)!

I apparently, cannot melt chocolate to save my life.

This year?  I have GREAT plans.  To do ALL the things, yet again.  I have lists.  Oh the lists.  I have ideas, and bows, and scents, and candles, and thoughts, and plans, and people, and and and and….

Like I said, I am quite frankly – worried.  It could go one of two ways:

The traditional way – where everything ends up a mess, and on Christmas eve I am left with an un-melted bowl of chocolate, ½ trimmed tree, unbaked cookies, and gifts that are unwrapped, unfitting, and a disaster that makes us laugh the following year.

Or, the Non-Traditional way – Things could actually go as planned.

I’m betting on traditional.  Since there is nothing like a good tradition.

What traditions do YOU have?  Can you melt chocolate?  Have you started shopping?