I have never been what one would call, a patient person. In fact -I am probably the definition of an UNpatient person. I often pray for patience -only to quickly realize my mistake. If anyone has doubts that God doesn’t answer prayers -just as for patience. He might not give you patience, but He will give you plenty of opportunities to work on building it up. But I digress.
Patience is not a virtue I yet to possess, and as a result, I am constantly being given opportunities to Stop. Trust. Wait. Believe.
I am ashamed to admit that I tend to operate on the terms of -praying, praying very hard for direction and answers, seeking His will, asking for His guidance -and then when I see what I assume is the opening in the clouds, I jump off my knees and run full tilt towards whatever shadow of hope I thought I saw. Most times, that ends about as well as it sounds it would.
I end up making a big mess of things and come crawling back -learning once again that life spent continually seeking HIS will and not mine -is the only way to live. You’d think by now, that 27 years into things -I would have this down. I have seen -over and over and over and over -countless times, Him providing, preparing, giving -in His time. Not mine. His will and His timing is not something I can rush or change. Nor should I. He doesn’t operate on a clock -He is not held down to time. He is not limited to my world. He holds the ENTIRE world (and universe) in His hands.
Which is where I get boggled.
See, I have no problem believing that He has this. This world, this universe, the entire plan -everything. Those big things. The things I cannot see or understand -sure, He’s got it. But these smaller things? My life? My wants and needs and desires and hopes and dreams and struggles? Why would He bother this those? After all, if I were God -I wouldn’t have time for those piddly things. After all -Can’t I see already: He’s got it all. Why do I worry anyways?
Oh, the simple mind of myself.
When things happen (as they often do), in a way that I wasn’t expecting (as they often do), I am tempted to think that He dropped the ball. He is too busy keeping all those stars in order -that He doesn’t really have time for me. He forgot about me. He doesn’t remember that -Hello? I’m down here. Making a giant mess of my life. But in truth -He hasn’t. He hasn’t forgotten anything. Or anyone. In fact, the things that have happened in my life -be it a direct result of my simply screw up -or an ordained moment that stopped me from messing things up even MORE -are all in His plan.
He’s god this.
In a week when my life seems like it is in shambles -like I have really, really, really messed it up good this time, that there is nothing good left here for me, that I am simply drowning (in self-pity?) He is there. He knows my heartache and my pain. He knows that I am struggling. But it isn’t for nothing. Because even thought I can’t see the purpose for all this pain (Which in the whole scheme of things -is really, nothing. In the light of the worlds events -my problems don’t even begin to register as problems), He is still there. He is still in charge. He hasn’t forgotten me -although perhaps, I have forgotten Him.
His plans are just that -His. Who am I to try and direct them?
While it certainly is true -life hurts, instead of viewing these troubles and trials as personal digs at me, as a reminder that He has, in fact, forgotten me -why can’t I choose to view them as Him perfecting His work in me? He said no. That should be enough for me.
He said wait.
He said not yet.
He said no.
I can choose to throw myself on the ground and throw a fit (I am good at that) or I can say “Yes Lord.” And be content -knowing that while I may not get the answer I thought I wanted -perhaps He said no because He knows that wasn’t right for me. It wasn’t in His plans for my life -and His answer -should be more than enough.
He’s got this. No doesn’t mean He has forgotten me. It means He cares enough to say no. TO deny what I think I want, because His plans are much bigger than mind.
I don’t know what He’s got in store for me -I don’t know if He will ever say “yes” to my pleading, but I do know this: He’s got this. I can rest in that. I don’t need to know why. I don’t need to seek answers. I don’t need to be upset. This is the path He has for me -and that?